Scared to Feel

I realized something this morning.
As John Allen continued with his series on cults, I found myself trying to to pay attention. Especially when he came to some information that we had learned at Capernwray - about some of the more unpleasant things that Christians have said/done while trying to convert people in cults, and about some of the tragic things that have happened in differnet cults. I realized, as I sat there, staring at my computer screen, at my postcards, at my hands - anything but the power point or John Allen - that I didn't like it because it made me feel.
I asked Jesus this morning to help me to see those around me more like He does, and to be able to have some of His heart, but I guess I didn't really mean it, or I meant it in regards to the people here, not the people everywhere.
I hadn't realized that feeling more would be such a sacrifice and trial for me.
Yesterday, Janell, Kathrine and I went for a walk and we talked about how we've learned at Bible school to get to know people much more deeply than before, and much quicker, and how good and hard that can be. It's also very rewarding and very helpful. I thought I was comfortable with that, but comfort is not a good thing, and I guess God felt it was time that I get uncomfortable again.
Feeling, I think, was also something that, in the beginning, kept me from admiting that I cared for Josh. Feeling more means being willing to be hurt more. It took me a while to be willing to feel like that.
In all those situations, it's worth it- though even right now I'm afraid to say it because ... God feels so much more, and if I'm willing, I can to ...
And if I'm willing, it doesn't just mean feeling on it's own, but has to involve an action, a sacrifice, a doing. Like splagnidzomi (that was it, right?)meant both to feel deeply and to act on that feeling.
Thankfully God is the One who teaches things and knows what is too much for us to deal with, and keeps pushing us...
Hopefully I can be even more willing,
and one day not be scared.